Journal Entry Three

[zelda ellette garrett]

It has been quite awhile since I've last seen my brother. I miss him dearly, but I know he would not approve of what I have done. Alex knew that I was considering doing this to myself; he warned me about it several times, saying that there was so much more to life than just research. This was something I was fully aware of, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around doing something so useless when I could be doing something that could make such a difference in someone's life. He was constantly telling me to get a boyfriend or at least a hobby.

Despite my time being taken up by research, having a boyfriend is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. My standards are so high (and not likely to be lowered any time soon) that I doubt having a boyfriend will happen for me anytime soon. Most of the men I have come across lately really couldn't carry on an interesting conversation if their life depended on it. Ah, well. Perhaps a significant other is not in the plan for me. I have more important things to worry about anyway.

Back to the subject at hand: I really do wish to see Alex some time soon, but I fear how he will react when he sees me. He'll recognize the signs; I know he will. Especially if I'm not wearing Mother's cross necklace. I know he won't feel disgust or fear, but I just know that he'll express disappointment and sadness. This was what Alex had been afraid that I would do and it's what he tried to stop from happening.

I wish I'd listened to him.

What's worse is that I've come to a complete standstill in regards to my research. I haven't really been able to focus too well since the change and I have no been able to make any progress at all in my work. A sudden sense of paranoia has swept over my mind and I find myself terrified of other people finding out about what I have become. I'm well aware that there are hunter out there, tracking down others like me.

What if I get killed before I can complete the cure?